45 Lessons of Life

Written By Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. (It's the most-requested column I've ever written.) My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Older Women Are So Reasonable

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, '44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.'

Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

Kitchen Rules Of Thumb - Handy Index Of Food Viability

THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE - If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES - This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD - Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR - Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT - It never spoils.
CEREAL - It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of... carefully.
CARROTS - A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS - Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS - Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS (MYSTERY FOODS) - You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Ole's Successful Marriage

At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

'Vell', Ole replied to the assembled husbands, 'I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary!'

The Pastor responded, 'Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th anniversary.

'Ole proudly replied, 'I'm a-gonna go get her.'

From the diary of a Pre- School Teacher

My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,
"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

"A f r i c a n Elephant"

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarass, Minnesota , Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

Thank Heavens for Ole.Who said Minnesotans are hicks?

Could this be a story Tiger told Elin?

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful young woman.

'You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce!''

The husband, replies 'Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened.'

'Fine, but it'll be the last words you say to me you unfaithful pig!''

The husband begins to tell his story : 'While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them.'

'Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair.'

The husband continues his story . . . . 'The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: 'Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?''

Go Git Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in
a mall for the first time in their lives.
The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
'Boy,go git cha Momma!'

The George W. Bush Presidential Library, now in the planning stages, is accepting donations.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, which contains no memories.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

(Ed. Note: This posting and link to the national debt clock [http://www.usdebtclock.org/#] is included as informational points lest we forget some of what the 44th President inherited. By way of information, the devt was about 5 trillion when George the 43rd came into office and 10 trillion when he lft with a a trillion plus pending as part of his actions to keep the economy from cratering. Remember - Congress controls the purse strings, not the President!)

A Small Sample of Famous Quotes by George W.Bush

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." [during an education photo-op]

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." [to Sam Donaldson]