Saturday, January 3, 2009
Could you pass the latest citizenship test?
In October 2008 a new version of the U.S. citizenship test will be taken by all applicants. Could you pass it? The 20 questions are usually selected from a list of 100 samples that prospective citizens can look at before the interview. (Click on title to take the test. BTW, I passed with flying colors at 95%. Woohoo!)
"telly without context"
This is one of the biggest time sinks I've seen yet on the web - really pointless & utterly captivating at the same time. I don't know anything about this, it was just forwarded to me by a dear friend who is also captivated by really clever time wasting web sites! Explore and enjoy. Click on the title to take you to the site. Ciao, baby!
New Rules for 2009
This is from a George Carlin bit and was originally titled New Rules for 2008, all right I took a little liberty. I don;t think George would mind. Boy, I sure do miss him!
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2009
New Rule #1: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule #4: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule #5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule #6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule #9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #10: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #11: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2009
New Rule #1: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule #2: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn.
New Rule #3: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule #4: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule #5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule #6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule #8: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.
New Rule #9: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule #10: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule #11: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule #12: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule #13: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Life in the 1500s
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs large and small) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (aka 'the graveyard shift') to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered, (now wait for it)... ... a dead ringer!
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water..
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs large and small) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (aka 'the graveyard shift') to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered, (now wait for it)... ... a dead ringer!
Things You'd Love to Say at Work but Can't
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
6. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
11. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
12. Do I look like a people person?
13. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
14. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
6. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
8. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
11. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
12. Do I look like a people person?
13. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
14. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
18. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Quips & Pithy Thoughts
Famous Quips:
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard
Pithy Thoughts I:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating another endangered animal?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Pithy Thoughts II:
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? Can you spin him the other way by occident?
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."
- John Bright
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard
Pithy Thoughts I:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating another endangered animal?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Pithy Thoughts II:
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? Can you spin him the other way by occident?
A few Irish jokes to share
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
*********************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank Heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
*********************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
*********************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The Priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The Priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? 'She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun... '
*********************************************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'
*********************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
'So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank Heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
*********************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks.
'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'
' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
*********************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The Priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The Priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? 'She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun... '
*********************************************************************************
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'
Enjoying Wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine . . . and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop (that's over 2 pounds) every year!
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting, and it kills any little beasties it finds around it.
Remember: Water = Poop & Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop (that's over 2 pounds) every year!
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting, and it kills any little beasties it finds around it.
Remember: Water = Poop & Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
2008 Darwin Natural Selection Awards
8th Place - In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
7th Place - A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker (who 'totally zoned when he ran') accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place - While at the beach, Daniel Jones (21) dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when the sides collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place - Santiago Alvarado (24) was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place - Sylvester Briddell Jr. (26) was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place - After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION - Paul Stiller (47) and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS - Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich (46) was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves….. 'Shit happens'.
THEY WALK AMONG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
7th Place - A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker (who 'totally zoned when he ran') accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
6th Place - While at the beach, Daniel Jones (21) dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when the sides collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
5th Place - Santiago Alvarado (24) was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
4th Place - Sylvester Briddell Jr. (26) was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
3rd Place - After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION - Paul Stiller (47) and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently, they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS - Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich (46) was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves….. 'Shit happens'.
THEY WALK AMONG US.... IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
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