Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

Now that Tiger has apologized , I think it's time to let loose and let the golf and sex jokes fly... here goes (with thanks to Dave Letterman!)

#10.A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...

#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

Lesson of the Day

The last four letters in American............I Can
The last four letters in Republican..........I Can
The last four letters in Democrats..........Rats
End of Lesson *


* - Just in case you were wondering if I had had a stroke or my evil twin had taken over the blog, no. This is just lil' ol' me sitting around in my spandex bobsled suit and helmet with head warmer on doing my part to mollify the few conservative readers this blog has. FWIW, I'd say it is cute wordplay but I'd alspo add I think it just about exhausts their collective ability to be humorous and clever. Lastly, I do wonder how old this joke is?
A couple of days after this was posted, an artist contacted me and said, "One should also note that the last four letters in Democrats, spelled backwards is 'Star'."

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Moral - Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Answering to Full-body Scanners at Airport Controversy

Here's a solution to all the controversy over installing full-body scanners at airports.
Have a booth that people step into with all their carry on luggage and without them having to take off their shoes or coats. This booth does not X-ray you, but it will detonate any explosive device you may have on or with you.
Problem solved! Except maybe for cleaning it up for the next passenger.

Older Person Friendly Policies at Work

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5,10,15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You’re doing a bang-up job, but your being late so often is really quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

‘’Well, good. You’re a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It is odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”

"They said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, Sir?’"

Diagnosis

I went to see my Doctor for fluid on my knee.
After a brief examination the Doctor said, "You're not aiming straight."

Wisdom Of A Retiree

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well.. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your kids!

Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is Gonorrhea Lectim, pronounced "gonna re-elect them."
Most victims contracted it over the previous two decades. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become since it is easily cured by voting out all incumbents!

A Little Known Baseball Fact

The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934. It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Some Words to Live By...

ONE: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR: When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE: When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN: Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE: Spend some time alone.

It's All in the Delivery

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Wise Old Sayings

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects