OK. Here in the category of "Yet Another Outstanding Example of Anecdotal Proof that 'The End is Near'" is a legit news, ah-h-, human interest, story. I'll let you read it and then I'll come back with a comment or two.
Pet waste removal worker finds $58 in dog poop
Jun 15, 9:19 PM (ET)
ST. LOUIS (AP) - This is why your mother says to wash your hands after handling money: A St. Louis worker found $58 - packed in dog poop. Steve Wilson works for DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal. On a recent call, he noticed money sticking out from doggie doo. Wilson wasn't sure what to do, but eventually pulled out the bills, sanitized them, placed them in a plastic zip-locked bag and returned them to the customer. It turned out to be $58.
The company said the money was torn, but the serial numbers were identifiable, which means the bills could be returned to a bank and replaced with new money.
The Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists says, "Wilson is the first person in his profession to find and report money in dog poop."
First, I feel compelled to stand up and draw a line on the difference between an occupation and that of a profession. I'm not trying to be elitist here, but given the nature of this subject's particular job and it's duties (no pun, intended... get it - dooty? duty!). I really find it unfathomable that any sane, bright, ambitious individual would be dreaming of and aspiring to one day becoming a pet waste professional! "A for me...I don't want to cure cancer. I want to pick up Lassie's poop!" I believe that the job description along with the formal set of responsibilities and duties associated with this position within a corporate framework is still solidly - an occupation, not a profession. Further, I say that it takes much more than some fee-based association that happens to use the word 'professional' in it's name to make this task, this service job, loftier or more than what it is - an occupation. Professions are necessary to the functioning and well being of a civilized society.
Second, isn't this story also metaphorical and ironic, through a different lens.
We learn about this special person, a laborer who displayed exceptional honesty and integrity and lives by an incredible code of honor. Given his circumstances I bet we would've thought nothing, if he had simply [cleaned and then] pocketed the cash. This is what he did -
He cleaned, sanitized and packaged the bills and brought them back to 'the owner' [of the pet]. Incredible!! He had nothing tangible to gain. The money was not his. He was paid for his labor, so therefore the only option was to return the money. This is what he believed. Wow!
Isn't that the kind of integrity we'd expect of our well educated, super smart, talented, innovative, information services savvy worker force; and especially those occupying the offices of C-level executives? Yet, even with history as the master teacher - we still failed to monitor and provide proper oversight and those folks were creating and selling packages of poo and adding rules and processes that made the system just a little more shaky and byzantine. Soon it was all about being part of the special priesthood. They basically made everyone believe that they possessed 'special talents' and that meant that they were entitled to earn an obscene amount of money! How obscene? Well, here's the situation for literally thousands of these financial trolls working Wall Street. They get paid an amount (in one year) that could provide a 'sizeable' nestegg for a couple or even a family of four to live off of for a decade or more. And then there are hundreds and hundreds more that could do that plus fund new ideas and small tech for 10 years. From seed, these young startups would create hundreds of jobs that pay competitvely and the company's products/services meet needs and solve real problems.
Anyhow, here we have a case of simple laborer working an occupation that performs a not so pleasant personal pet housekeeping sevice who believes that personal honesty and integrity can not to be compromised. And we also see that his actions with respect to the found money are completely 'professional'.
Whereas, the highly educated, respected, expereienced financial managers and their cadre of super talented, quick thinking, precise speaking, sharp dressing securities professionals working in the nation's top investment firms held their greed above the needs of the people they serve. This highly educated collective have erased and stolen more than hundreds of billions of dollars in equity from a great many people, organizations and countries.
They have rocked us to the core, thinking they were smarter and they could game the system. Still with all the 'negative' PR and the curtains being pulled down, you've got to admire their 'chutzpah' because they are still pulling down tens of millions of dollars in fees and salaries, they have skated over accountability, and they've still got most people fooled into believing that they are 'special somehow'.
Life is wonderfully mysterious.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Computer User Humor from the Emerald Isle
During a recent password audit at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, ''I was told me password had to contain at least 8 characters and include one capital.''
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, ''I was told me password had to contain at least 8 characters and include one capital.''
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Government Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes, caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. Every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes, caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. Every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Some Little Known Facts about Minnesota
MINNESOTA BECAME THE 32nd STATE ON MAY 11, 1858 AND WAS ORIGINALLY SETTLED BY A LOST TRIBE OF NORWEGIANS SEEKING REFUGE FROM THE SEARING HEAT OF WISCONSIN'S WINTERS.
THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS "HOW A 7-YEAR- OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM'".
MINNESOTA GETS IT'S NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD "MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH",MEANING "NO, REALLY... THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE".
THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS "SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND".
THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES.
MADISON, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS "THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD". ..... AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS.
"THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW" WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW". THE SHOW ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED "LIFE WITHOUT DICK", BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON.
THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, "WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN BE GOVERNOR."
DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING.
CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA AND GREW UP IN ST. PAUL. HE WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES.
THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN, MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS THAT CRAP.
WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY, MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, AS THE MOTORBOAT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED "PIG'S EYE", AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE "PIG'S EYE" PARRANT. ITS "TWIN CITY", MINNEAPOLIS, WAS KNOWN AS "PIG'S COLON".
THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE, MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR.
PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. IN 1973, OLIVIA, MINNESOTA, ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM.
MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE "BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT."
FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT, MINNESOTA. HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT - CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK.
THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA'S STRINGENT BREAD - CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN -- SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS.
TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA, DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS, I TELL YA!
AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS RAISED AT WALNUT GROVE, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE "LITTLE HOUSE" SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE "SPAM DIET" - WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. MUCH LIKE THE "LUTEFISK DIET".
THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU, MINNESOTA SO AS TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS.
MINNESOTANS ARE ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS "HOW A 7-YEAR- OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM'".
MINNESOTA GETS IT'S NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD "MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH",MEANING "NO, REALLY... THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE".
THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS "SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND".
THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES.
MADISON, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS "THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD". ..... AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS.
"THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW" WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW". THE SHOW ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED "LIFE WITHOUT DICK", BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON.
THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, "WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN BE GOVERNOR."
DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING.
CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA AND GREW UP IN ST. PAUL. HE WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES.
THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN, MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS THAT CRAP.
WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY, MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, AS THE MOTORBOAT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED "PIG'S EYE", AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE "PIG'S EYE" PARRANT. ITS "TWIN CITY", MINNEAPOLIS, WAS KNOWN AS "PIG'S COLON".
THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE, MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR.
PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. IN 1973, OLIVIA, MINNESOTA, ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM.
MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE "BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT."
FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT, MINNESOTA. HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT - CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK.
THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA'S STRINGENT BREAD - CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN -- SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS.
TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA, DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS, I TELL YA!
AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS RAISED AT WALNUT GROVE, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE "LITTLE HOUSE" SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE "SPAM DIET" - WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. MUCH LIKE THE "LUTEFISK DIET".
THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU, MINNESOTA SO AS TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS.
MINNESOTANS ARE ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
Now that Tiger has apologized , I think it's time to let loose and let the golf and sex jokes fly... here goes (with thanks to Dave Letterman!)
#10.A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
#10.A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5. Three times a day IS possible.
#4. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3. If you live in Florida you can do it almost everyday.
#2. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex...
#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
Lesson of the Day
The last four letters in American............I Can
The last four letters in Republican..........I Can
The last four letters in Democrats..........Rats
End of Lesson *
* - Just in case you were wondering if I had had a stroke or my evil twin had taken over the blog, no. This is just lil' ol' me sitting around in my spandex bobsled suit and helmet with head warmer on doing my part to mollify the few conservative readers this blog has. FWIW, I'd say it is cute wordplay but I'd alspo add I think it just about exhausts their collective ability to be humorous and clever. Lastly, I do wonder how old this joke is?
A couple of days after this was posted, an artist contacted me and said, "One should also note that the last four letters in Democrats, spelled backwards is 'Star'."
The last four letters in Republican..........I Can
The last four letters in Democrats..........Rats
End of Lesson *
* - Just in case you were wondering if I had had a stroke or my evil twin had taken over the blog, no. This is just lil' ol' me sitting around in my spandex bobsled suit and helmet with head warmer on doing my part to mollify the few conservative readers this blog has. FWIW, I'd say it is cute wordplay but I'd alspo add I think it just about exhausts their collective ability to be humorous and clever. Lastly, I do wonder how old this joke is?
A couple of days after this was posted, an artist contacted me and said, "One should also note that the last four letters in Democrats, spelled backwards is 'Star'."
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Moral - Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."
Moral - Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Answering to Full-body Scanners at Airport Controversy
Here's a solution to all the controversy over installing full-body scanners at airports.
Have a booth that people step into with all their carry on luggage and without them having to take off their shoes or coats. This booth does not X-ray you, but it will detonate any explosive device you may have on or with you.
Problem solved! Except maybe for cleaning it up for the next passenger.
Have a booth that people step into with all their carry on luggage and without them having to take off their shoes or coats. This booth does not X-ray you, but it will detonate any explosive device you may have on or with you.
Problem solved! Except maybe for cleaning it up for the next passenger.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Older Person Friendly Policies at Work
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5,10,15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You’re doing a bang-up job, but your being late so often is really quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
‘’Well, good. You’re a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It is odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
"They said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, Sir?’"
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You’re doing a bang-up job, but your being late so often is really quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
‘’Well, good. You’re a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It is odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
"They said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, Sir?’"
Diagnosis
I went to see my Doctor for fluid on my knee.
After a brief examination the Doctor said, "You're not aiming straight."
After a brief examination the Doctor said, "You're not aiming straight."
Wisdom Of A Retiree
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well.. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
Well.. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Gonorrhea Lectim
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is Gonorrhea Lectim, pronounced "gonna re-elect them."
Most victims contracted it over the previous two decades. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become since it is easily cured by voting out all incumbents!
Most victims contracted it over the previous two decades. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become since it is easily cured by voting out all incumbents!
A Little Known Baseball Fact
The first testicular guard (Cup) was used in baseball in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1934. It took 60 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Some Words to Live By...
ONE: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR: When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE: When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN: Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE: Spend some time alone.
TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR: When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
FIVE: When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN: Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY- ONE: Spend some time alone.
It's All in the Delivery
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Wise Old Sayings
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wisdom from Military Manuals
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.'
-Infantry Journal -
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Maritime Ops Manual -
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit-
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
-USAF Ammo Troop-
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echeos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!"
-Authors Unknown-
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!'
- Unknown Author -
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Infantry Journal-
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.-
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.'
-Infantry Journal -
The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Maritime Ops Manual -
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit-
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
-USAF Ammo Troop-
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echeos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!' or (appended from the Arkansas Air National Guard):"Hold my beer and watch this!"
-Authors Unknown-
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!'
- Unknown Author -
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
Minnesota Clydesdale
Only in Nordern Minnesnowta! ....... This guy raised an abandoned moose calf with his horses, and believe it or not, he has trained it for lumber removal and other hauling tasks.
Given the 2,000 pounds of robust muscle, and the splayed, grippy hooves, he claims it is the best work animal he has.
He says the secret to keeping the moose around is a sweet salt lick, Although, during the rut he disappears for a couple of weeks, but always comes home.
It's A Woman's World
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse..
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. '
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse..
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. '
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Grandma and Grandpa Visit
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Funeral Bagpiper
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service fora homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence .. And then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence .. And then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?
Wedding Gown Colors
A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.'
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened!'
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.'
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened!'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
