1. Term Limits: 8 years only:
A. Two four year Senate terms
B. Four Two year House terms
C. If you are in the House and get elected to the Senate, it will be for only one Senate Term. If you are in the Senate and get elected to the House, it will be for only two terms.
2. No Tenure / No Pension:
A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no retirement pay when they are out of office.
3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security and Medicare:
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.
4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.
5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
6. Congress looses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the rest of the American people. If they become 65 while in office, they go on Medicare.
7. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC
Another interesting reform proposal -
Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members.
Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State).
Then, also reduce their staffs by 25%.
Accomplish this over the next 8 years (two steps - two elections). This would require redistricting, of course.
But consider some of the yearly gains:
$44,108,400 of base pay for the elimination of excess congresspeople. (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.)
$97,175,000 for elimination of their staff. (Est. $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year).
$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year (= those members whose positions are gone. Estimates for government pork earmarks are ~ $15 Billion/yr ).
The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and improve efficiencies.
It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country!
We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. And, it might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing!
Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established (i.e. telephone, computers, cell phones).
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we had 3 senators that were not doing their jobs for the 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have accepted full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.
Plus, if Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits, tax payers could save a bundle. Presently, they get full retirement after serving only ONE term. That's nuts!
Summary of opportunity:
$44,108,400 for reducing the number of congresspersons. $282,100, 000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
$59,675,000 for a 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
Estimated TOTAL Savings = $8,073,383,400 per year! (look at that number again - that's 8 BILLION dollars per year!)
(Ed. Note: This Act would be "real" reform and the outcome would truely put control of our governance back 'to the people'. We must stop pretending that we are 'the best', 'the smartest', and holder of all the pure ideals. All we need to do is to be honest with ourselves and others and act honorably and in accord with the golden rule. We must realize that we are a stupid and venial people, no different than everyone else. We have been blessed and at times we have risen above our baser predelictions and exercised our collective will and power with integrity as a free nation. We must recapture that will and strive to do this everyday and not just after a major disaster. We need not backslide and decay back to our old ways proving again our stupidity, inattentiveness and a collective memory similar to a goldfish with no backbone.)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing anexpensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Another Woman Driver
This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face,up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man,I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins. This ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
As a man,I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins. This ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List
Holiday Message from the Former Alaska Governor
WASILLA, AK (lifted from the The Borowitz Report)
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.
I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.
I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.
I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.
I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in.
I have thankfulness that Levi posed in Playgirl, and I'm sure all the gay men who read Playgirl have thankfulness for that also.
I have thankfulness also that Levi's mom has been put in prison so I don't have to worry about her selling drugs to Willow or Piper.
And finally, I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also.
WASILLA, AK (lifted from the The Borowitz Report)
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.
I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.
I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.
I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.
I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in.
I have thankfulness that Levi posed in Playgirl, and I'm sure all the gay men who read Playgirl have thankfulness for that also.
I have thankfulness also that Levi's mom has been put in prison so I don't have to worry about her selling drugs to Willow or Piper.
And finally, I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also.
43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews
"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overheard in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews. Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if he doesn't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it.
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself .
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses:
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overheard in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews. Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if he doesn't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it.
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself .
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses:
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby
Darwin Awards
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape..
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape..
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A Chord Goes into a Bar
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second..."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight..."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be A major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural...
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight..."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be A major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural...
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A bunch of fun videos and a few interesting links
http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/11/40-seriously-funny-print-ads/ {Just as the URL says... funny print ads}
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/entertainment/21509794/detail.html {The Wal-Mart Customer Files}
{A few fun videos... enjoy}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN_oDdGmKyA&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHFT1X1JDI&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNmi-bBhWG8
http://www.flixxy.com/lucky-car-motorcycle-sport.htm
http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html
http://thepeoplescube.com/ {Superb Site, I guarantee you will LOL}
http://www.uweschmidt.org/wiimote-whiteboard {Interesting tech}
http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/uscongress/a/congresspay.htm {Pay facts about your congressional delegation}
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/entertainment/21509794/detail.html {The Wal-Mart Customer Files}
{A few fun videos... enjoy}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN_oDdGmKyA&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHFT1X1JDI&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNmi-bBhWG8
http://www.flixxy.com/lucky-car-motorcycle-sport.htm
http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html
http://thepeoplescube.com/ {Superb Site, I guarantee you will LOL}
http://www.uweschmidt.org/wiimote-whiteboard {Interesting tech}
http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/uscongress/a/congresspay.htm {Pay facts about your congressional delegation}
Religious Differences
People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.
Here come the Tiger jokes....
Joke 1: Did you hear that Tiger hit a fire hydrant and a tree...he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Joke 2: They asked Tiger's wife what she was doing out of the house at 2 in the morning and she said she was out clubbing.
Joke 3: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a Titleist golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball over 350 yards.
Joke 4: Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Joke 5: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Joke 6: This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.
Joke 7: Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Joke 8: After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
Joke 9: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Joke 10: Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn.So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "
Joke 11: I'm not surprised to hear about Tiger's crash - he hasn't been able to drive straight for years.
Joke 12: Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. Said the clubs are to be named Elin Woods... and marketed as"clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Joke 13: Claims that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now have been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the **** out of a Driver.
Joke 14: News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.
Joke 15: Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family-his new name?: Cheetah
Joke 2: They asked Tiger's wife what she was doing out of the house at 2 in the morning and she said she was out clubbing.
Joke 3: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a Titleist golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball over 350 yards.
Joke 4: Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Joke 5: Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Joke 6: This is the first time Tiger's ever failed to drive 300 yards.
Joke 7: Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he's ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Joke 8: After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree.
Joke 9: Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.
Joke 10: Tiger drives his Escalade, hits a tree hits a fire hydrant, goes airborne and lands on a stranger's front lawn.So "Is Tigers' Caddie on the green in two? "
Joke 11: I'm not surprised to hear about Tiger's crash - he hasn't been able to drive straight for years.
Joke 12: Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. Said the clubs are to be named Elin Woods... and marketed as"clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Joke 13: Claims that Elin Woods was using a golf club as a "Rescue Club" now have been proved to be untrue as it now appears she was actually trying to knock the **** out of a Driver.
Joke 14: News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.
Joke 15: Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family-his new name?: Cheetah
A Woman and a Fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Great friends are a very rare jewel, indeed, they make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep their fork.'
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Great friends are a very rare jewel, indeed, they make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep their fork.'
Hollywood Squares: Redux
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
The absolute best Little Johnnie joke
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful;
"That's great", said Little Johnnie "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful;
"That's great", said Little Johnnie "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses."
The Potty
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
His mother says: "Ok, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "It works for ketchup."
His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."
His mother says: "Ok, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: "It works for ketchup."
Proverbs from Larry, the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'
Golf Czar changes “The Rules of Golf”
Obama's Golf Czar has announced there is a possibility of MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf, this may occur sometime after March 1, 2010. This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten now. Here are a few basic changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a check each time they play.
The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
-between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
-above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability.
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
- above 18 will get a check each time they play.
The dollar amount placed in bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10, an additional $10.
-between 11 and 18, no additional amount.
-above 18, you will receive the total amount in the pot even if you do not play.
The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
-handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
-handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score.
These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.
Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability.
Catholic Coffee
Four Catholic men and one Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into aroom people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, blonde, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, men say, 'Oh my God'."
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into aroom people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, blonde, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, men say, 'Oh my God'."
It's How You Look At It!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, healthcare, government health insurance, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, credit card debt, and so on.
I called the Suicide Hotline and got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck .
I called the Suicide Hotline and got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck .
Perks of being over 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you're likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size..
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
2. In a hostage situation you're likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size..
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
A true Tampon story. No kidding.
Tampons to the rescue in Iraq !! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq.
My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.
He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.'
I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, he shares it with Marine X.
He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?' But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package.
He said he wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!'
One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course, they had those tampons.
When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued. My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons, too. And my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.' He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, 'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')
They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.'
My son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.' At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?' He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.'
I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life.
My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.
Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine!
God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.
My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.
He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.'
I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, he shares it with Marine X.
He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?' But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package.
He said he wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!'
One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course, they had those tampons.
When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued. My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons, too. And my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.' He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, 'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')
They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.'
My son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.' At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?' He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.'
I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life.
My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.
Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine!
God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.
An actual "out of office" reply
Hey There -
I'm on vacation until September 8. Won't be checking voicemail or email, so
...If you need ...
• something urgent, please contact my office: 312-555-5555
• some BBQ, call Corky's in Memphis: http://www.corkysribsandbbq.com/
• some cheesecake, call Carnegie Deli in NYC: http://www.carnegiedeli.com/
• some shiny shoes: http://www.zappos.com/mens-allen-edmonds-shoes
• to rent a mechanical bull: http://mechanicalbullchicago.com/
• to rent a real bull: http://www.movielivestock.com/
• to rent a balloon: http://sky-view.com/balloon-rental.htm
• to rent a buffoon: http://www.clownsforhire.com/
• to put 25 smileys on a lawn: http://www.outdoorexpression.com/Smiley-Yard-Display.htm
• to see some awesome graffiti: http://www.flickr.com/groups/banksy/pool/
• to see some awesome packages: http://www.thedieline.com/
• to rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c05E6kyHu8E
• to groove: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7m_y3wBzF0
• to funk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fdesO8CdC8
• to blow your mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-E6FDf9GkA
Cheers, Andy
I'm on vacation until September 8. Won't be checking voicemail or email, so
...If you need ...
• something urgent, please contact my office: 312-555-5555
• some BBQ, call Corky's in Memphis: http://www.corkysribsandbbq.com/
• some cheesecake, call Carnegie Deli in NYC: http://www.carnegiedeli.com/
• some shiny shoes: http://www.zappos.com/mens-allen-edmonds-shoes
• to rent a mechanical bull: http://mechanicalbullchicago.com/
• to rent a real bull: http://www.movielivestock.com/
• to rent a balloon: http://sky-view.com/balloon-rental.htm
• to rent a buffoon: http://www.clownsforhire.com/
• to put 25 smileys on a lawn: http://www.outdoorexpression.com/Smiley-Yard-Display.htm
• to see some awesome graffiti: http://www.flickr.com/groups/banksy/pool/
• to see some awesome packages: http://www.thedieline.com/
• to rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c05E6kyHu8E
• to groove: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7m_y3wBzF0
• to funk: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fdesO8CdC8
• to blow your mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-E6FDf9GkA
Cheers, Andy
Yearly Neologism Contest
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
14. Beelzebug (n.): a mosquito that gets into you bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web
14. Beelzebug (n.): a mosquito that gets into you bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
The National Healthcare Debate Among Doctors
The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Californians
You Know You’re From California If:
Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
You can’t remember . . Is pot illegal?
You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can’t remember . . .is pot illegal?
It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
The Terminator is your governor.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. However, if you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.
Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
You can’t remember . . Is pot illegal?
You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can’t remember . . .is pot illegal?
It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
The Terminator is your governor.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. However, if you’re here illegally, they want to give you one.
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
From the Canadian Association Of Retired People
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"
My Senior Activities
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about five minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumb Ass.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
I then called him a Shit Head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about twenty minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, my bus arrived.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about five minutes.
When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Dumb Ass.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
I then called him a Shit Head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about twenty minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then, my bus arrived.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
And that's when the fight started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? 'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.' 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her , 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.''My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's when the fight started.
Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?' And that's when the fight started.
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? 'It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.' 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her , 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.''My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's when the fight started.
Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?' And that's when the fight started.
A Letter from Wayne
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne , and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her... Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Wayne
ED NOTE: Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her... Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice , big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too --- or just bring me a cold beer in a frosted mug.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Wayne
ED NOTE: Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A Trip to CostCo
Yesterday I was at my local CostCo buying a large bag of Purina dog chowfor my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Steven Wright-isms
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
And an all time favorite-
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
And an all time favorite-
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Bi-partisan Ride
I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats blew warm air to your butt in the winter and blew cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats blew warm air to your butt in the winter and blew cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained if it were a Democratic car the seats would blow smoke up your ass.
It's not what you know, it's what you tattoo!?
Sooner or later you pay for stupid moves! This guy had what he thought was the greatest tattoo. Until...
he went to prison!
he went to prison!
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