Friday, December 19, 2014
My Resume
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory? Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job...
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory? Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job...
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Where to Eat Lunch?
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, lean legs, perky breasts and nice butts.
10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service were good and the wine selection was excellent.
10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.
10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service were good and the wine selection was excellent.
10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.
10 years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
Show 'em Your Cross!
Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"
Monday, May 12, 2014
Two sisters, one brunette, one blonde
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.'
After paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly...'com-for-da-bul.'
A Joke for STEMsters!
A software developer, a hardware engineer, and a mid-level manager were on their way to a conference center located near the top of a mountain. After the conference, they were driving down the steep mountain road, and suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: They were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a vision, formulate a mission statement, define some goals, and, by a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the critical problems, and we can be on our way.
"No, no," said the hardware engineer. "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the software developer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."
The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: They were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a vision, formulate a mission statement, define some goals, and, by a process of continuous improvement, find a solution to the critical problems, and we can be on our way.
"No, no," said the hardware engineer. "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all, I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the software developer, "before we do anything, I think we should push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pet waste removal worker finds $58 in dog poop
OK. Here in the category of "Yet Another Outstanding Example of Anecdotal Proof that 'The End is Near'" is a legit news, ah-h-, human interest, story. I'll let you read it and then I'll come back with a comment or two.
Pet waste removal worker finds $58 in dog poop
Jun 15, 9:19 PM (ET)
ST. LOUIS (AP) - This is why your mother says to wash your hands after handling money: A St. Louis worker found $58 - packed in dog poop. Steve Wilson works for DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal. On a recent call, he noticed money sticking out from doggie doo. Wilson wasn't sure what to do, but eventually pulled out the bills, sanitized them, placed them in a plastic zip-locked bag and returned them to the customer. It turned out to be $58.
The company said the money was torn, but the serial numbers were identifiable, which means the bills could be returned to a bank and replaced with new money.
The Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists says, "Wilson is the first person in his profession to find and report money in dog poop."
First, I feel compelled to stand up and draw a line on the difference between an occupation and that of a profession. I'm not trying to be elitist here, but given the nature of this subject's particular job and it's duties (no pun, intended... get it - dooty? duty!). I really find it unfathomable that any sane, bright, ambitious individual would be dreaming of and aspiring to one day becoming a pet waste professional! "A for me...I don't want to cure cancer. I want to pick up Lassie's poop!" I believe that the job description along with the formal set of responsibilities and duties associated with this position within a corporate framework is still solidly - an occupation, not a profession. Further, I say that it takes much more than some fee-based association that happens to use the word 'professional' in it's name to make this task, this service job, loftier or more than what it is - an occupation. Professions are necessary to the functioning and well being of a civilized society.
Second, isn't this story also metaphorical and ironic, through a different lens.
We learn about this special person, a laborer who displayed exceptional honesty and integrity and lives by an incredible code of honor. Given his circumstances I bet we would've thought nothing, if he had simply [cleaned and then] pocketed the cash. This is what he did -
He cleaned, sanitized and packaged the bills and brought them back to 'the owner' [of the pet]. Incredible!! He had nothing tangible to gain. The money was not his. He was paid for his labor, so therefore the only option was to return the money. This is what he believed. Wow!
Isn't that the kind of integrity we'd expect of our well educated, super smart, talented, innovative, information services savvy worker force; and especially those occupying the offices of C-level executives? Yet, even with history as the master teacher - we still failed to monitor and provide proper oversight and those folks were creating and selling packages of poo and adding rules and processes that made the system just a little more shaky and byzantine. Soon it was all about being part of the special priesthood. They basically made everyone believe that they possessed 'special talents' and that meant that they were entitled to earn an obscene amount of money! How obscene? Well, here's the situation for literally thousands of these financial trolls working Wall Street. They get paid an amount (in one year) that could provide a 'sizeable' nestegg for a couple or even a family of four to live off of for a decade or more. And then there are hundreds and hundreds more that could do that plus fund new ideas and small tech for 10 years. From seed, these young startups would create hundreds of jobs that pay competitvely and the company's products/services meet needs and solve real problems.
Anyhow, here we have a case of simple laborer working an occupation that performs a not so pleasant personal pet housekeeping sevice who believes that personal honesty and integrity can not to be compromised. And we also see that his actions with respect to the found money are completely 'professional'.
Whereas, the highly educated, respected, expereienced financial managers and their cadre of super talented, quick thinking, precise speaking, sharp dressing securities professionals working in the nation's top investment firms held their greed above the needs of the people they serve. This highly educated collective have erased and stolen more than hundreds of billions of dollars in equity from a great many people, organizations and countries.
They have rocked us to the core, thinking they were smarter and they could game the system. Still with all the 'negative' PR and the curtains being pulled down, you've got to admire their 'chutzpah' because they are still pulling down tens of millions of dollars in fees and salaries, they have skated over accountability, and they've still got most people fooled into believing that they are 'special somehow'.
Life is wonderfully mysterious.
Pet waste removal worker finds $58 in dog poop
Jun 15, 9:19 PM (ET)
ST. LOUIS (AP) - This is why your mother says to wash your hands after handling money: A St. Louis worker found $58 - packed in dog poop. Steve Wilson works for DoodyCalls Pet Waste Removal. On a recent call, he noticed money sticking out from doggie doo. Wilson wasn't sure what to do, but eventually pulled out the bills, sanitized them, placed them in a plastic zip-locked bag and returned them to the customer. It turned out to be $58.
The company said the money was torn, but the serial numbers were identifiable, which means the bills could be returned to a bank and replaced with new money.
The Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists says, "Wilson is the first person in his profession to find and report money in dog poop."
First, I feel compelled to stand up and draw a line on the difference between an occupation and that of a profession. I'm not trying to be elitist here, but given the nature of this subject's particular job and it's duties (no pun, intended... get it - dooty? duty!). I really find it unfathomable that any sane, bright, ambitious individual would be dreaming of and aspiring to one day becoming a pet waste professional! "A for me...I don't want to cure cancer. I want to pick up Lassie's poop!" I believe that the job description along with the formal set of responsibilities and duties associated with this position within a corporate framework is still solidly - an occupation, not a profession. Further, I say that it takes much more than some fee-based association that happens to use the word 'professional' in it's name to make this task, this service job, loftier or more than what it is - an occupation. Professions are necessary to the functioning and well being of a civilized society.
Second, isn't this story also metaphorical and ironic, through a different lens.
We learn about this special person, a laborer who displayed exceptional honesty and integrity and lives by an incredible code of honor. Given his circumstances I bet we would've thought nothing, if he had simply [cleaned and then] pocketed the cash. This is what he did -
He cleaned, sanitized and packaged the bills and brought them back to 'the owner' [of the pet]. Incredible!! He had nothing tangible to gain. The money was not his. He was paid for his labor, so therefore the only option was to return the money. This is what he believed. Wow!
Isn't that the kind of integrity we'd expect of our well educated, super smart, talented, innovative, information services savvy worker force; and especially those occupying the offices of C-level executives? Yet, even with history as the master teacher - we still failed to monitor and provide proper oversight and those folks were creating and selling packages of poo and adding rules and processes that made the system just a little more shaky and byzantine. Soon it was all about being part of the special priesthood. They basically made everyone believe that they possessed 'special talents' and that meant that they were entitled to earn an obscene amount of money! How obscene? Well, here's the situation for literally thousands of these financial trolls working Wall Street. They get paid an amount (in one year) that could provide a 'sizeable' nestegg for a couple or even a family of four to live off of for a decade or more. And then there are hundreds and hundreds more that could do that plus fund new ideas and small tech for 10 years. From seed, these young startups would create hundreds of jobs that pay competitvely and the company's products/services meet needs and solve real problems.
Anyhow, here we have a case of simple laborer working an occupation that performs a not so pleasant personal pet housekeeping sevice who believes that personal honesty and integrity can not to be compromised. And we also see that his actions with respect to the found money are completely 'professional'.
Whereas, the highly educated, respected, expereienced financial managers and their cadre of super talented, quick thinking, precise speaking, sharp dressing securities professionals working in the nation's top investment firms held their greed above the needs of the people they serve. This highly educated collective have erased and stolen more than hundreds of billions of dollars in equity from a great many people, organizations and countries.
They have rocked us to the core, thinking they were smarter and they could game the system. Still with all the 'negative' PR and the curtains being pulled down, you've got to admire their 'chutzpah' because they are still pulling down tens of millions of dollars in fees and salaries, they have skated over accountability, and they've still got most people fooled into believing that they are 'special somehow'.
Life is wonderfully mysterious.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Computer User Humor from the Emerald Isle
During a recent password audit at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, ''I was told me password had to contain at least 8 characters and include one capital.''
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, ''I was told me password had to contain at least 8 characters and include one capital.''
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Government Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes, caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. Every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes, caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes, an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. Every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says, 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
Some Little Known Facts about Minnesota
MINNESOTA BECAME THE 32nd STATE ON MAY 11, 1858 AND WAS ORIGINALLY SETTLED BY A LOST TRIBE OF NORWEGIANS SEEKING REFUGE FROM THE SEARING HEAT OF WISCONSIN'S WINTERS.
THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS "HOW A 7-YEAR- OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM'".
MINNESOTA GETS IT'S NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD "MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH",MEANING "NO, REALLY... THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE".
THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS "SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND".
THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES.
MADISON, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS "THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD". ..... AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS.
"THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW" WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW". THE SHOW ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED "LIFE WITHOUT DICK", BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON.
THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, "WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN BE GOVERNOR."
DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING.
CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA AND GREW UP IN ST. PAUL. HE WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES.
THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN, MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS THAT CRAP.
WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY, MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, AS THE MOTORBOAT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED "PIG'S EYE", AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE "PIG'S EYE" PARRANT. ITS "TWIN CITY", MINNEAPOLIS, WAS KNOWN AS "PIG'S COLON".
THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE, MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR.
PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. IN 1973, OLIVIA, MINNESOTA, ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM.
MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE "BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT."
FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT, MINNESOTA. HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT - CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK.
THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA'S STRINGENT BREAD - CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN -- SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS.
TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA, DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS, I TELL YA!
AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS RAISED AT WALNUT GROVE, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE "LITTLE HOUSE" SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE "SPAM DIET" - WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. MUCH LIKE THE "LUTEFISK DIET".
THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU, MINNESOTA SO AS TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS.
MINNESOTANS ARE ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS "HOW A 7-YEAR- OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM'".
MINNESOTA GETS IT'S NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD "MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH",MEANING "NO, REALLY... THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE".
THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS "SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND".
THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON, MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES.
MADISON, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS "THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD". ..... AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS.
"THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW" WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW". THE SHOW ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED "LIFE WITHOUT DICK", BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON.
THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, "WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN BE GOVERNOR."
DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING.
CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA AND GREW UP IN ST. PAUL. HE WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES.
THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN, MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS THAT CRAP.
WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY, MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, AS THE MOTORBOAT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET.
ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED "PIG'S EYE", AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE "PIG'S EYE" PARRANT. ITS "TWIN CITY", MINNEAPOLIS, WAS KNOWN AS "PIG'S COLON".
THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE, MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR.
PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. IN 1973, OLIVIA, MINNESOTA, ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM.
MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE "BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT."
FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT, MINNESOTA. HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT - CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK.
THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA'S STRINGENT BREAD - CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN -- SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS.
TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA, MINNESOTA, DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS, I TELL YA!
AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS RAISED AT WALNUT GROVE, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE "LITTLE HOUSE" SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE "SPAM DIET" - WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. MUCH LIKE THE "LUTEFISK DIET".
THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU, MINNESOTA SO AS TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS.
MINNESOTANS ARE ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
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