1. Term Limits: 8 years only:
A. Two four year Senate terms
B. Four Two year House terms
C. If you are in the House and get elected to the Senate, it will be for only one Senate Term. If you are in the Senate and get elected to the House, it will be for only two terms.
2. No Tenure / No Pension:
A congressman collects a salary while in office and receives no retirement pay when they are out of office.
3. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social Security and Medicare:
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund moves to the Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into the Social Security system, Congress participates with the American people.
4. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan just as all Americans.
5. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise. Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
6. Congress looses their current health care system and participates in the same health care system as the rest of the American people. If they become 65 while in office, they go on Medicare.
7. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the American people.
Serving in Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers envisioned citizen legislators, serve your term(s), then go home and back to work.
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero, 55 BC
Another interesting reform proposal -
Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members.
Reduce Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State).
Then, also reduce their staffs by 25%.
Accomplish this over the next 8 years (two steps - two elections). This would require redistricting, of course.
But consider some of the yearly gains:
$44,108,400 of base pay for the elimination of excess congresspeople. (267 members X $165,200 pay/member/ yr.)
$97,175,000 for elimination of their staff. (Est. $1.3 Million in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Million in staff per each member of the Senate every year).
$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year (= those members whose positions are gone. Estimates for government pork earmarks are ~ $15 Billion/yr ).
The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and improve efficiencies.
It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country!
We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. And, it might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing!
Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established (i.e. telephone, computers, cell phones).
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we had 3 senators that were not doing their jobs for the 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have accepted full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.
Plus, if Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits, tax payers could save a bundle. Presently, they get full retirement after serving only ONE term. That's nuts!
Summary of opportunity:
$44,108,400 for reducing the number of congresspersons. $282,100, 000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
$59,675,000 for a 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
Estimated TOTAL Savings = $8,073,383,400 per year! (look at that number again - that's 8 BILLION dollars per year!)
(Ed. Note: This Act would be "real" reform and the outcome would truely put control of our governance back 'to the people'. We must stop pretending that we are 'the best', 'the smartest', and holder of all the pure ideals. All we need to do is to be honest with ourselves and others and act honorably and in accord with the golden rule. We must realize that we are a stupid and venial people, no different than everyone else. We have been blessed and at times we have risen above our baser predelictions and exercised our collective will and power with integrity as a free nation. We must recapture that will and strive to do this everyday and not just after a major disaster. We need not backslide and decay back to our old ways proving again our stupidity, inattentiveness and a collective memory similar to a goldfish with no backbone.)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing anexpensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Another Woman Driver
This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face,up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man,I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins. This ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
As a man,I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins. This ruined the phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!
Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List
Holiday Message from the Former Alaska Governor
WASILLA, AK (lifted from the The Borowitz Report)
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.
I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.
I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.
I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.
I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in.
I have thankfulness that Levi posed in Playgirl, and I'm sure all the gay men who read Playgirl have thankfulness for that also.
I have thankfulness also that Levi's mom has been put in prison so I don't have to worry about her selling drugs to Willow or Piper.
And finally, I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also.
WASILLA, AK (lifted from the The Borowitz Report)
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.
I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.
I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.
I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.
I have thankfulness also for the new drapes I installed in my house to keep the Russians from peeping in.
I have thankfulness that Levi posed in Playgirl, and I'm sure all the gay men who read Playgirl have thankfulness for that also.
I have thankfulness also that Levi's mom has been put in prison so I don't have to worry about her selling drugs to Willow or Piper.
And finally, I have thankfulness for all of the good people who read my book, and for the person who wrote it also.
43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews
"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overheard in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews. Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if he doesn't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it.
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself .
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses:
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overheard in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews. Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if he doesn't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:
Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink
Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it.
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions
What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.
What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations
Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group
Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
"If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting
"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
"So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting
Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith
Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan
Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity
What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group
What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications
When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce
Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan
Use three adjectives to describe yourself .
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering
Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering
Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering
Random responses:
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby
Darwin Awards
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape..
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape..
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
A Chord Goes into a Bar
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second..."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight..."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be A major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural...
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight..."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be A major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural...
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A bunch of fun videos and a few interesting links
http://www.webdesignerdepot.com/2009/11/40-seriously-funny-print-ads/ {Just as the URL says... funny print ads}
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/entertainment/21509794/detail.html {The Wal-Mart Customer Files}
{A few fun videos... enjoy}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN_oDdGmKyA&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHFT1X1JDI&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNmi-bBhWG8
http://www.flixxy.com/lucky-car-motorcycle-sport.htm
http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html
http://thepeoplescube.com/ {Superb Site, I guarantee you will LOL}
http://www.uweschmidt.org/wiimote-whiteboard {Interesting tech}
http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/uscongress/a/congresspay.htm {Pay facts about your congressional delegation}
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/entertainment/21509794/detail.html {The Wal-Mart Customer Files}
{A few fun videos... enjoy}
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PN_oDdGmKyA&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jHFT1X1JDI&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNmi-bBhWG8
http://www.flixxy.com/lucky-car-motorcycle-sport.htm
http://biggeekdaddy.com/humorpages/Humor/BestCardTrick.html
http://thepeoplescube.com/ {Superb Site, I guarantee you will LOL}
http://www.uweschmidt.org/wiimote-whiteboard {Interesting tech}
http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/uscongress/a/congresspay.htm {Pay facts about your congressional delegation}
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